Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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