My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I still have a little drunk in my system
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
