DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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