my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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