yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
