wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude i'm inner monologue high
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
