i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize