we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize