we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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