Don't EVER smell your tampon
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
