My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
