Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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