somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
