May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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