hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize