the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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