I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
