If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
