cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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