Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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