Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
this is an emotional support booty call
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
