This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
