I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
