And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
