I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
