quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
