i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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