I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
