I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
