Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
