u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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