Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
