Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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