If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize