Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ugly people sure do ruin things
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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