Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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