Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
