His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
