tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
