I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize