Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
