i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
