Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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