does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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