You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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