Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
