party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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