im about as happy as oj after his trial
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
