we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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