I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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