My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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