He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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