dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I AM VODKA MAN
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
