he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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