My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
