dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
