I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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