I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
