hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
