I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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