she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize