I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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