I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
